Why suicide shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

I hate that suicide is ignored and not discussed more widely. I know what it is to attempt suicide and even now, I feel guilty and ashamed for writing about it. It shouldn’t be like that in this day and age.

I have suffered with depression since I was 18 and it’s been so severe at times that I have turned to suicide. I’ve attempted to kill myself around five times, my last attempt was 2 years ago. When I admit this, I feel anxious and panicky because I’m worried what others will say and think. But I feel that if suicide had been a more talked about subject, if it hadn’t been so hidden and ignored then it may have helped me when I was surrounded by hopelessness and darkness.

People say that suicide is cowardice; that people who take their lives are cowards who took the easy way out. I hate people who say that, I don’t want to glorify or make suicide seem like a good choice but suicide is the opposite of cowardice. Other people will never know how hard it is, how brave you have to be to take that final step. Humans have evolved to suicide so imagine going against all those years of evolution, going against human nature itself and trying to harm yourself.

Having experienced trying to kill myself and surviving, I can look back and re-evaluate my choices. I regret every attempt I made on my own life, I wish I could take it all back. When you have hit rock bottom, you can’t think of anything positive, you think that suicide is the only and best option but it’s not. I was selfish when I attempted to kill myself, I was so focussed on my own misery and pain that I couldn’t think about the pain I would cause by taking that final action. I hurt my family every time I made an attempt, I let them down and I took away their trust in me. Those things, I will never get back. My family and friends will all look at me when I’m feeling down and wonder if I’m going to hurt myself, the trust is gone. The only way I can get it back is by proving I won’t make that choice again, no matter how bad things get.

If people talked about suicide more, if there were more places to talk about it then I think people would see it’s not the right choice to make. Instead, it’s this taboo subject that people ignore or hide and so people feeling depressed and suicidal feel guilty and ashamed, which just adds to that feeling that taking your own life is the only way out.

Suicide is not taking the easy way out, it’s trying to make the pain stop, trying to be free of depression and the struggles that bring us down. It’s a cry for help and as fellow humans, we should acknowledge that cry and do everything we can to help that person. We shouldn’t turn a blind eye, or ignore it because it’s easier to think these things don’t happen. Suicide does happen, it’s increasing and people effected by suicide or suicidal thoughts should not be ignored or swept under the rug.

Fatigue is my stalker

Right from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go bed I’m plagued by fatigue. Some days it’s better than others but it’s always there, waiting to overwhelm me.

Today is a bad day, I woke up with my alarm but physically couldn’t get up so slept on and off all morning. I’ve been up 3 hours and I feel as if I’ve been up days and my whole body feels exhausted. I’ve managed to do the washing up and the hoovering, taken care of the cats litter tray and that’s probably all I’ll manage to do today. I feel like a failure when I compare myself to all the people who have been out at work all day, on their feet and doing job after job. I used to be that person.

I don’t know how washing up or hoovering manage to exhaust me so extremely, maybe it’s because I was exhausted before even doing the jobs but after I feel like I’ve been to the gym for an hour. I know if I went to bed now, I’d sleep the rest of the day away but I hate that. I used to be a fairly active person, and I still don’t like being stuck inside all day or having to stay in bed. I constantly feel like I need to be doing something but my body fights me on that constantly. I’ll attempt to stay awake as long as I can so it feels like I’ve actually experienced the day and not let it just pass me by. Then I’ll go to bed and not be able to sleep well because of the pain in my back and other joints. It’s a constant fight, in some ways I think fighting is what makes me so exhausted.

I don’t like that my body is constantly fighting my mind, it’s stressful and harmful to my mental health. All the things I’d like to do, the things I plan and get excited about but end up cancelling because I don’t have the strength that day, it’s disappointing and it makes me hate myself. I don’t know how to balance that argument between what my mind wants and what my body can manage.

Some months are better, I can manage two walks a week and some trips out in the car; others, I don’t have the energy or strength to leave the house at all. It doesn’t follow a pattern either, I can have two good weeks and then a month of bad ones. Maybe if it followed a routine or a pattern and I could tell how I was going to feel then I’d be able to accept it more and plan but I don’t have that ability so I just have to wake up every day and assess what my body can handle that day.

That’s why I compare my fatigue to a stalker; because it never leaves me. Some days it actively takes part in my day, others it’s just in the background waiting, but it’s always there.