Pain, pain, pain.

This weekend was my worst for pain in a while. It always seems to hit when I really don’t want it to. I had a family day planned on Saturday and it’s an hours drive there and an hour back. Sitting in a car for that long makes me achy at the best of times but I was already in so much pain. I didn’t want to take my pain killers because they knock me out and I wanted to have a nice day with family, not be unconscious.

I pride myself on not letting my distant relatives see how badly my CFS and Fibro affects me so it was a struggle this weekend because I couldn’t hide it. I had my tens machine attached to my back to relax the muscles because my back felt like it was cramped up and tight. I’d rubbed arnica gel onto every body part to try and control the aching. I pretty much just sat and tried to be as social as I could while feeling like my whole body was betraying me.

I never believed that you could have pain everywhere but since having fibro, I’ve been proven so wrong. My fingers and toes hurt, my shoulders hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my back hurts, my head hurts…everything is painful and it feels like my body is playing some cruel joke on me.

I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow to discuss how overwhelming the fatigue and pain has been over the past couple of months, I’m having a major flare up and it’s making my life more miserable than usual. I don’t expect to be given any major help because I’m already taking all the pain killers and staying as active as I can but it feels like I have to tell the doctor how ill I’m feeling. I have so much planned for next month so I need to get control of this flare up somehow and manage it. I wish there was some magical cure, I really do.

How a nice day out becomes a nightmare.

With ME/CFS, a nice day out like I’ve had today with family makes me really happy but I know that once it’s all over, I’ll experience a night and day of punishment for my enjoyment.

I had a lovely day today with family, it didn’t involve a lot really, a trip out in the car to feed the ducks with my niece followed by an ice cream in a small village and a trip to a local farm shop. The whole even lasted a few hours and with the sun shining brightly and surrounded my family, it was a happy and enjoyable trip out. But the whole time I’m out, I have the knowledge in the back of my head that I’ll pay for my activity and the longer I’m out, the more I acknowledge this.

I’ve been home now for a few hours and the first feeling I get is of exhaustion and fatigue that forces me to sleep for a couple of hours. Then the pain sets in, I’ve got pain in all my lower joints and muscles; my legs ache terribly. Then my joints begin to stiffen and this is the point where my pain becomes a lot worse, my whole body feels like jelly because I’m extremely fatigued but my joints have seized up and whenever I move slightly, the pinch and stiffening in my hips and knees is awful. My lower back is always the centre of my pain and right now it feels like it’s cramping up and spasming on and off so I can’t just sit comfortably.

My body feels heavy, like its weighted down and my eyes are constantly drifting closed as my brain craves more sleep. It feels like I’m being punished for enjoying a day out, for enjoying activity and it’s a horrible feeling. I want to be active, I love being out in the countryside and experiencing the outdoors but my body doesn’t allow me to enjoy it fully because I know it won’t be enjoyable for long and the next day will be spent suffering the after effects.

Tonight will be the worst, I’ll have to take my Tramadol which leaves me feeling high and knocks me out the next day, but that’s what I need because the next day will feel worse. CFS/ME is a horrible illness, mainly because of the delayed reaction of the body when it’s been active, I may feel fine today and think I’ve escaped the punishment but the next day will always remind me that activity comes at a price. I’ll ache all over, feel like I’ve got the flu, I won’t want to eat or drink; all I’ll want to do is sleep and a lot of the time, all that can be done is to try and sleep through the pain and the fatigue.

It’s sad that a lovely day out has to turn into a horrible experience, I feel like I should regret my activity but I never do because the moments I can get out into the country and enjoy the fresh air, sun and smells is worth it. I know I might have to spend the next two days in my stuffy bedroom, in pain and wishing for it to end but I’ll never regret what made me feel that way.