Right from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go bed I’m plagued by fatigue. Some days it’s better than others but it’s always there, waiting to overwhelm me.
Today is a bad day, I woke up with my alarm but physically couldn’t get up so slept on and off all morning. I’ve been up 3 hours and I feel as if I’ve been up days and my whole body feels exhausted. I’ve managed to do the washing up and the hoovering, taken care of the cats litter tray and that’s probably all I’ll manage to do today. I feel like a failure when I compare myself to all the people who have been out at work all day, on their feet and doing job after job. I used to be that person.
I don’t know how washing up or hoovering manage to exhaust me so extremely, maybe it’s because I was exhausted before even doing the jobs but after I feel like I’ve been to the gym for an hour. I know if I went to bed now, I’d sleep the rest of the day away but I hate that. I used to be a fairly active person, and I still don’t like being stuck inside all day or having to stay in bed. I constantly feel like I need to be doing something but my body fights me on that constantly. I’ll attempt to stay awake as long as I can so it feels like I’ve actually experienced the day and not let it just pass me by. Then I’ll go to bed and not be able to sleep well because of the pain in my back and other joints. It’s a constant fight, in some ways I think fighting is what makes me so exhausted.
I don’t like that my body is constantly fighting my mind, it’s stressful and harmful to my mental health. All the things I’d like to do, the things I plan and get excited about but end up cancelling because I don’t have the strength that day, it’s disappointing and it makes me hate myself. I don’t know how to balance that argument between what my mind wants and what my body can manage.
Some months are better, I can manage two walks a week and some trips out in the car; others, I don’t have the energy or strength to leave the house at all. It doesn’t follow a pattern either, I can have two good weeks and then a month of bad ones. Maybe if it followed a routine or a pattern and I could tell how I was going to feel then I’d be able to accept it more and plan but I don’t have that ability so I just have to wake up every day and assess what my body can handle that day.
That’s why I compare my fatigue to a stalker; because it never leaves me. Some days it actively takes part in my day, others it’s just in the background waiting, but it’s always there.