Tag: Depression

My Favourite Quotes, living with Chronic Illness.

My Favourite Quotes, living with Chronic Illness.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 2 Comments

It’s hard to feel hopeful and optimistic about life when your living with a chronic illness. The very nature of a chronic illness is that it’s ‘chronic’. It doesn’t suddenly go away. My experience with M.E has been a constant struggle against pain and fatigue; a balancing act with energy levels and living life. Drowning in all that exhaustion and malaise can be so deflating and it can be hard to stay positive and hopeful. The feeling that the struggle is pointless follows me around like a dark cloud and at times it’s hard to see past that hopelessness. But, I’ve always believed that words hold more power than people think; words connect people and feeling. When I read something written or spoken that sums up my feelings, it makes me feel less alone; that someone out there has felt the same way at some point in their life too. So I wanted to compile a list of quotes which have resonated with me; as a person living with chronic illness. These quotes have given me comfort and hope when things have seemed bleak. They remind me that there are others out there fighting the same battle, feeling the same way; but continuing on despite the struggle. They remind me that there is hope and reason to carry on and live life, despite the limitations and obstacles that chronic illness puts infront of me.


⦁ “The question is not how to get cured, but how to live” – Joseph Conrad


⦁ “Often the pain that makes us feel most stuck is not our suffering; it is experiencing distress in the presence of people who expect us to get better faster than we can.” – K.J. Ramsey


⦁ “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” – A. A. Milne


⦁ When you are faced with an on-going medical catastrophe, it forces you to take notice of the little things that you may have overlooked when you were dazzled with good health. You recognize that the little moments are not so little. The appreciation of accumulated small little moments can create a happier life.” – Karen Duffy


⦁ “I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou


⦁ “It got worse still as time went on because people did not sympathize with you any more. They couldn’t do enough for you at first, and that helped, and then they got bored with your troubles. But your troubles went on just the same and you had to bear them alone.” – Elizabeth Goudge


⦁ “As we sat at the table, acting like the drink wasn’t sour and pulpy, we got to talking about how her illness had come to affect her life. She explained to me that her energy reserves were like that glass of yellow juice. Every action of daily life—getting out of bed, bathing, dressing, doing research—siphoned juice away. Once the glass was empty, no matter how much she had left she needed to do or how much she’d hoped to get done, her body needed to rest. To refill the glass. If she tried to push beyond that, it could knock her out for days. Even weeks.” – Jessica S. Olson


⦁ “Those of us with chronic pain have something unique to offer, not in spite of our pain, but because of it. It’s okay to grieve the losses of chronic illness. It’s okay to be broken; everyone is in some way. Just because we’re unfixable doesn’t mean we’re worthless.” – Allison Alexander


⦁ “It’s my experience that people are a lot more sympathetic if they can see you hurting, and for the millionth time in my life I wish for measles or smallpox or some other easily understood disease just to make it easier on me and also on them.” – Jennifer Niven


⦁ “Remember to look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious. And however difficult life may seem, there is always something you can do and succeed at. It matters that you don’t just give up.” – Stephen Hawking


⦁ “Never give up. It’s like breathing – once you quit, your flame dies letting total darkness extinguish every last gasp of hope. You can’t do that. You must continue taking in even the shallowest of breaths, continue putting forth even the smallest of efforts to sustain your dreams. Don’t ever, ever, ever give up.”- Richelle E. Goodrich


⦁ “The best way to treat obstacles is to use them as stepping-stones. Laugh at them, tread on them, and let them lead you to something better.” – Enid Blyton

Feel free to comment any of your favourite/inspirational quotes!

Depression and self-sabotaging thoughts.

Depression and self-sabotaging thoughts.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 7 Comments

Trigger warning – discusses depression and depressive thoughts

Last year I made the decision to slowly withdraw from my antidepressants after being on them for 10 years. I’m currently on the lowest dose and I’m determined to completely finish taking them in a few months; but it’s not an easy process. One of the worst symptoms of my depression has always been the self-sabotaging or self-depricating thoughts that race through my mind. It’s a constant barrage of destructive and hurtful thoughts that bombard my mind:


“You’re useless, You have no worth, You are lazy, Nobody cares for you, You’re a burden to your family, You can’t do anything right, You have no friends, Nobody likes you, You don’t deserve to be here, You’re wasting your life, You’re fat and ugly, You are an embrarrasment, You let people down constantly, You’re a dissapointment, There’s something wrong with you, You don’t fit in, Nothing good will happen to you, You’ll never be good enough, You’re broken, You’re a waste of space, You have no value, You arent lovable, You won’t ever be happy, People will always leave you, You can’t look after yourself, You burden everyone around you”

These kinds of intrusive thoughts are a major symptom of depression and it’s not easy to live with them. It’s even harder to explain them to people who have never experienced depression. It’s easy for people to say “ignore them” or “just don’t think those things”, “tune them out” but it’s not as simple as that. It’s a constant conscious effort to filter these thoughts and identify them for what they are; which is a symptom of depression, an irrational mental error. I compare it to an email system; hundreds of thoughts bombard the brain every minute and I have to consciously filter the valid and important thoughts (rational) from the spam (irrational depressive thoughts). The problem is that there will always be spam that gets through the filter and this is when irrational and intrusive thoughts get mistaken for rational, normal thoughts.


Antidepressants have worked for me over the past 10 years because they’ve numbed my mind so my feelings and thoughts are dampened. Depressive thoughts feel less intrusive and they aren’t as frequent, it’s easier to ignore them. Coming off the antidepressants is therefore like a shock to the system, my mind is suddenly having to work harder to do what the antidepressants were doing. I’m fully aware that my brain has become used to antidepressants and so it almost overreacts to them being withdrawn. My brain is having to balance it’s own chemicals and my mind is in a constant state of anxiety and apprehension.


That’s why I’m writing this post, because it would be easy for me to tell everyone it’s not difficult, to lie and hide the reality of what mental illness is like. I could say that coming off antidepressants is not a struggle, that it’s a breeze. I could let those self-sabotaging and intrusive thoughts weigh me down. Depression makes it hard to talk about feelings and thoughts, it urges you to bottle up your emotions and ignore them until they overcome you. Depression is so destructive because it tells you to keep these thoughts and struggles secret, to fake a smile and say you’re fine. Over the past 10 years I’ve experienced moderate and severe clinical depression; and I’ve learned from that experience. I’ve learned that depression is at it’s strongest when it’s hidden behind a facade, when it’s not spoken about or acknowledged. Knowledge is power and knowing that depression is an illness, admitting that it’s affecting you and talking about it rather than concealing it, is a positive thing. It’s okay to admit you’re not okay, it’s not weak to say you’re struggling. Talk about it, write about it, express it however you need to; don’t hide it.

A Disaster of an Appointment

A Disaster of an Appointment

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 2 Comments

I think everyone who suffers with M.E or other chronic illnesses, experiences the frustration of not being ‘normal’ or wishing their illness would just give them a day off.  I experienced that feeling this week at a hospital appointment and I’ve never felt so defeated and fed up with my body. 

For the last year I’ve been undergoing medical tests for a heart problem, my heart seems to want to beat as fast as it can all the time, even when I’m resting.  It’s caused symptoms like; palpitations, chest pain, syncope, postural hypertension, sweating, dizziness and left me even more debilitated than usual.  Luckily, I started a heart medication this year which completely rid me of all symptoms and reduced my heart rate to normal.  However excessive activity still flares the symptoms up and the chest pain occurs periodically so I’m still having tests to rule out various conditions. 

This week I was sent for a cardiac exercise test which brought dread to my mind immediately.  Anyone with M.E will understand that dread because with M.E; exercise comes with consequences (post-exertional malaise).  There’s also that uncertainty that comes with M.E or any fluctuating condition; ‘will I be well enough to do it on the day?’.   I’ve never realised how quickly M.E can shift and completely wipe out the body until this test, and it wasn’t even the test itself that did it.  I arrived 45 minutes early to my appointment, it’s a large and busy hospital so I must factor in the time it will take for parking and for the distance and time It will take me to walk to the right department.  It’s normally fine, my Mum parks and we find the department with time to spare.  This week however, it was like the whole world had descended on that hospital and it was pure chaos.  The disabled parking lot was full and with a queue of cars waiting.  The main car park was so full that cars had taken to parking on grass verges and in completely obscure places.  The overspill carpark and drop off points were also all overrun.  The queue to park anywhere near that hospital was a mile long and every car was like a shark looking for its prey, every car for itself.  There were arguments over who was first for a space, people would drive like lunatics to beat someone else to an open spot.  I’ve never seen a scene like it, and as an anxiety sufferer, I was horrified by how selfishly and carelessly people will act when there’s not enough of something for everyone.  I was in that queue for 50 minutes, moving at a snail’s pace.  It got to ten minutes before my appointment, and I was still at least half an hour away from finding a parking spot.  When I rang the department to explain the situation and inform them I’d be late, I was told it didn’t matter if I was there 45 minutes early and stuck in a queue for 50 minutes; if I wasn’t there within 15 minutes my appointment would be cancelled.  That would mean an hour’s journey to the hospital and 50 minutes sat in a queue would be completely wasted, for something that was no way my fault, or within my control. 

I’ve always noticed that my anxiety levels can impact on me M.E; panic attacks are physically and mentally exhausting and, energy levels quickly become depleted.  Sitting in that queue for 50 minutes worrying and stressing; then being told my appointment would just be cancelled if I couldn’t park in time…. was completely draining.  At ten minutes past my appointment time, the nurse in charge of my test rang and gave me permission to park at the back of the staff carpark.  It was then a 15-20 minute mad rush to the department; I’ve never moved quicker.  The issue with that mad rush is that I arrived at the department sweating profusely and out of breath…to then begin an exercise test.  I was determined despite my M.E to complete that exercise test but I hadn’t anticipated an hour’s stress and anxiety before and a 15-minute run beforehand.  I got on that treadmill and as soon as it started, I felt like crying because I knew I wouldn’t manage it.  I’ve got short legs and it takes me twice the number of steps to match someone else’s stride; and that treadmill was fast.  I hadn’t expected to begin at jogging speed, and I knew at that moment I wasn’t going to last long.  I’d just run from the furthest carpark, through a busy hospital; after an hour’s stress and anxiety and, I was then expected to exercise for half an hour.  I managed 4 minutes on the treadmill before my blood pressure shot to 210/100 and I started to see black spots overtake my vision, at which point the test was stopped.  I’ve never felt more defeated and embarrassed.  I felt like I’d wasted the nurse’s time, my Mums time because she taken a day off work to take me.  I’ve never felt so upset and frustrated with my body.  It’s a horrible feeling to mentally want something but not physically be able to carry it out.  I felt completely useless, worthless, and deflated.  Despite the nurse trying to reassure me, I felt like such a waste of space in that moment.

That’s one of the worst things about having M.E; it can completely defeat you some days.  I’d started with the determination and energy to do that exercise test, and that energy was depleted before I even got to the treadmill.  I hate disappointing other people and taking up people’s time but there’s also that disappointment in myself and my own ability.  There’s also that fear of being judged as lazy or as somebody who hasn’t tried hard enough. Having to stop that test and admit defeat completely devastated me and my mental health.  That’s another challenging part about M.E, it’s often unpredictable.  M.E is a fluctuating condition, and it can be affected by the smallest triggers.  I might be able to walk for 30 minutes next week but on the day I needed that energy and ability, it wasn’t there.  Life with M.E is a life of uncertainty and that’s one of the hardest aspects of the illness for me.

World Book Day: How books make my life with mental and chronic health issues bearable.

World Book Day: How books make my life with mental and chronic health issues bearable.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 1 Comment

It’s World Book Day! As my blog name highlights, I’m a massive bookworm!  I’ve been this way since I picked up my first book in primary school.  Books have been a constant companion through my life; they’ve been my escape, my friends, my councillors, my inspiration and my medicine. 

I’ve struggled with severe depression since I was in my teens, and I genuinely believe there were times when picking up a book prevented me self-harming and prevented me making further harmful choices. I think the power of books to change a reader’s mood is magical, it’s an underrated element of reading.  The power that authors have, to affect a readers’ mood; with just their words, is a factor that has fuelled my love of reading, and for writing.  Another aspect of books and reading that impacted on my mental health is an author’s ability to connect and relate to someone they’ve never met. Books truly can bring people together.  Depression is a cruel illness; it isolates you, makes you push people away, so you are stuck with your own thoughts.  It makes you question your own mind and sanity.  Depression makes it hard to interact with other people because there’s no way to express how you’re feeling.  Books helped me with this aspect of mental illness too.  If you look, there are so many books out there written by people brave enough to write about their struggle with mental illness and it’s these books which have the power to unite those struggling.  It’s these books which can show a reader and a mental illness sufferer that they are not alone, that there are others going through the same struggle.  One such book that really helped me understand my mental health and feel less alone is My Sh*t Therapist & other Mental Health Stories by Michelle Thomas (I will post amazon links to any book mentioned at the end).  Reading this book gave me a huge insight into just how common mental illness is.  There’s a huge stigma in opening up about mental illness and that’s what makes it so isolating; so, reading about someone else’s experience and reading thoughts that I was experiencing really had an impact on me.  Another inspirational book on life with depression is: The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath.  The Bell Jar is classic literature, and I found the fact I could relate to someone who lived long before me, reassuring in a way.  It’s a beautiful book and a really honest expression of living with mental illness.  I connected to Sylvia Plath’s words; and her bravery to write about depression when it was so misunderstood boosted my own resilience and motivation to keep fighting.

After I developed M.E, reading became even more important to my wellbeing.  Chronic illness is a daily struggle and there are aspects of it that limit how I live.  I don’t like referring to it as life-limiting because that sounds like I don’t live, rather it’s that I have to live life at a slower and calmer pace.  I was surprised to find that my reading tastes changed after developing chronic illness.  I found myself searching for more adventure and exploration in books, maybe because I felt so stuck and stagnant.  As a literature lover and a bit of a nerd, I am ashamed to say I’d never been interested in The Lord of the Rings!  It’s a book that never appealed to me before developing chronic illness and it was my frustration with being stuck in bed that pushed me to give it a go.  At that time, being housebound and bedbound, I just wanted adventure and a new experience; The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R Tolkien gave me that.  It was the trilogy that opened my eyes to the fantasy genre and gave me a real love for the magical and fantastical in literature.  The writing is so absorbing and engaging that despite being stuck in bed, I felt like I was meeting new characters and joining them on a truly great adventure, in a completely new world.  I went on to read the Game of Thrones series by George R.R. Martin, which was a whole new experience, maybe not for the faint hearted because there is a lot of violence and death!  But it took me out of my bed and into a new world for hours and it made my struggle with M.E manageable.  I felt like I was still experiencing something, I wasn’t just sitting stagnant in bed; I was fighting great wars, flying dragons and running with wolves.  It’s this experience that renews my love for literature every day, it’s such a powerful and underused asset.  In a world that’s evolving and becoming more technology ruled, it seems like literature and books are falling out of fashion.  I think that’s a huge shame because books have supported me through so many life events, so much heartache and struggle; that companionship shouldn’t be forgotten.  I will endeavour to teach my nieces that books are far more exciting than Netflix, despite their eye rolling and disbelief; because literature is timeless. I shall conclude this post with the truly wise words of a much loved character: “Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic.  Capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.” – Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling).

Book Links

(Note, audio books are a great alternative if you suffer with fatigue, brought on by concentrating and eye strain.  M.E means I have to take a lot more breaks when reading and audio books are a really good option if you suffer with brain fog. If You have a kindle then there are settings that reduce brightness and enlarge font etc which make reading a lot more accessible)

My Sh*t Therapist: & Other Mental Health Stories eBook : Thomas, Michelle: Amazon.co.uk: Kindle Store

The Bell Jar eBook : Plath, Sylvia: Amazon.co.uk: Books

The Hobbit & The Lord of the Rings Boxed Set: J.R.R. Tolkien: Amazon.co.uk: Tolkien, J. R. R.: 9780261103566: Books

A Song of Ice and Fire, 7 Volumes: The bestselling epic fantasy masterpiece that inspired the award-winning HBO TV series GAME OF THRONES: Amazon.co.uk: George R.R. Martin: 9780007477159: Books

Harry Potter Boxed Set: The Complete Collection (Adult Paperback): J.K. Rowling – Boxed Set : Rowling, J.K.: Amazon.co.uk: Books

Social Anxiety and Appointments

Social Anxiety and Appointments

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 1 Comment

Normal thing to have nightmares about include: falling, death, being chased, spiders, teeth falling out, etc…I have nightmares about appointments! Doctors appointments, hair appointments, dentist appointments, appointments for plumbers or electricians to come and fix something in the house. My social anxiety makes any kind of social appointment a literal nightmare.

Recently there have been some plumbing issues in my house and as a result, plumbers and electricians need to come and repair some things. What sounds like a completely normal and routine situation is driving my brain insane. Tomorrow (Friday) the plumber is coming to work on the bath and I’ve been stressing about it all week. I’ve chewed my nails down to the point of bleeding, I’ve picked the skin off my fingers leaving my fingers in a horrible state, I’ve picked the skin off my lips so badly that they’re just randomly cracking and bleeding. In my rational brain I realise that this is ridiculous, a complete overreaction to a normal situation that most people wouldn’t spend a minute worrying about. But in my anxiety brain; I’m exhausted from the constant fight or flight reaction taking place. I don’t know what I think this plumber is going to do which is so horrifying but for some reason I’m terrified of this person I’ve never met!

I am 27 years old and tomorrow my Dad has to stay home from work because I will physically and mentally not be able to leave my room. If I was here alone, I physically wouldn’t be able to answer the door, just approaching the front door to let someone in gives me a panic attack. People have no idea how frustrating it is to want to do something and being stopped by your own brain. The thing most people don’t understand is that it isn’t just a mental response; the brain controls all of the body and when it’s threatened it has a physical impact. My heart rate increases, I get palpitations, my chest starts to tighten, I begin to hyperventilate which then makes me extremely lightheaded, my legs turn to jelly, I start crying uncontrollably, sweat literally drips off my skin and my whole body shakes. It’s physically and mentally exhausting! It’s an extremely distressing situation and it is triggered by something most people would find easy to cope with. So tomorrow I will become like an animal in hibernation; I’ll confine myself to my room for the entirety of the time the plumber is here, I’ll have to lock my bedroom door just to feel secure and safe. Then I’ll hide in my bed until this stranger has left the house. It’s sad. It’s pathetic. It makes me hate myself.

The world is a very anxious place to live in right now; pandemics, violence, wars and a struggling economy. So I have to pick and chose what situations I put myself into because when everything’s stressful, you take what little salvation you can. So I will hide and avoid a social situation because my brain can only take so much anxiety in one week and I already made plans to go out for coffee with family this weekend. Unfortunately it’s going to be a bad month for my social anxiety, I’ve got to get my hair cut, I’ve got a hospital appointment and doctors appointment, plus more work to be done on the house. Social anxiety really sucks, I wish more people understood that rather than assuming I’m just being rude and antisocial.

Panic Attacks Make Me Feel Weak.

Panic Attacks Make Me Feel Weak.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

There’s nothing like a panic attack to make the rest of your day feel terrible. I have social anxiety and the reality is; one single person can lead to me having a panic attack. I’m not just an introvert who likes to dwell in my own company; I have a mental illness that makes me terrified of people. Humans are a social species, we need other people to keep us sane and happy…my brain has decided despite that it’s going to make being social impossible for me.

It’s so hard to explain social anxiety to other people, it’s not just being anti-social; it’s being distressed at just the idea of interacting with other people. Today my panic attack was caused by something others deal with easily; a repairman turning up to update my smoke alarms. Others would have dealt with it like it was nothing but my brain can’t cope with someone turning up unannounced to my house. I then have to let that person into my safe space which completely takes away my feeling of safety. I live in council housing and my housing association have my issues on file so I’m given prior notice if anyone needs to come to my house. That simple act of letting me know and prepare is the difference between me being simply uncomfortable and full on panicking and having a break down. But today I had no prior notice and that simple act changed the whole experience.

I only answer the door if I’m expecting a delivery and that’s the only reason I answered the door today. Instead of a simple delivery it’s a man who needs to come into my house and do some work. This unexpected moment completely freezes my brain. I want to explain and say I can’t let him in, I want to ring my Mum who is ten minutes away and can come and deal with the situation. But I can do none of these things because my brain has short circuited and I’m incapable of anything but a one word answer. So I open the door and let this stranger in despite my whole body fighting me. I’m panicking but this man won’t see it because when I’ve learned to hide it very well. He can’t see that I’m gritting my teeth so hard it hurts, or that I’m digging my nails into my skin and scratching because pain is the only thing that stops me physically collapsing into a heap and crying like a baby.

The physical and obvious panic attack comes when he leaves. Because all that adrenaline that’s been rushing through my body has nowhere to go. My safe place feels unsafe because someone else has been in it and most of all, I feel like a complete and utter idiot because all I want to do is be a normal person and interact socially without a break down. All of this self-hate and adrenaline makes me hyperventilate, makes me sweat and shake. I’m crying and struggling to get my breath, while everything around me spins. I’m not in control of my own body and all I can do is sit and wait for my brain and body to run out of energy.

That’s my reality. I won’t forget it and get on with my day. I’ll spend the rest of my day feeling broken, embarrassed, ashamed and completely weak. I hate feeling weak, I like to think I’m a strong person, I’ve overcome so many obstacles and struggles. But the reality is I have social anxiety, I’m terrified of people and I am weak.

Sometimes I wish I had a big sign on my head that said “social anxiety” because then at least people could see my mental illness, they could try and be more understanding. You never know what battles are going on in someone internally, so be kind and be patient.

The guilt of cancelling plans.

The guilt of cancelling plans.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 1 Comment

One of the things I find most difficult about living with a chronic illness is cancelling social engagements. Before chronic illness I was a very reliable person when it came to making plans and sticking to them.

Chronic illness has made me this unreliable person who might cancel plans an hour before or rearrange plans a dozen times. The most important thing I try to get across to friends and family is that I’m not trying to be difficult, I’m not cancelling because I can’t be bothered or don’t want to meet up. Sometimes I wait until an hour before to cancel because I’m praying and hoping my body will just cooperate and allow me to socialise and be a normal 26 year old.

I had plans to see my sister yesterday and she was going to do my nails and I was looking forward to it! I woke up exhausted as usual but hoping some energy would appear from anywhere. I got dressed, I ate breakfast and did normal things about the house. An hour before I was due to leave, my body just switched off. I hate that about M.E, one minute my body is coping and managing my fatigue and then it just switches off and all I can do is go to bed because I don’t have the energy to stand up for more than 5 minutes or even lift my own arms and head.

Then comes the difficult part which is letting the other person know I’m not well enough to meet. I try to get across how disappointed I am in myself but it always falls flat and feels like I’m making excuses. I feel like I’ve let my friends and family down and I hate it. I hate feeling like I’ve let someone down and it affects my mood so much and is one of the main triggers for my depression.

Eventually I just stop getting invited to socialise and it’s both understandable and devastating because I want to see my friends and family but my body betrays me. I see pictures online of all my friends meeting up and feel sad that I wasn’t invited but also I expect it because why bother inviting someone who is going to cancel 90% of the time. It’s a very isolating and lonely experience.

I wish people could experience just one day in my body, so they’d understand the strength and exertion that goes into just doing basic things like getting dressed and taking a bath. I wish people would understand that I don’t cancel because I’m a bad friend or because I can’t be bothered; but because my body is too exhausted to leave the house.

It’s inevitable that I feel guilt for being so unreliable and that guilt is like poison; it infects the brain and makes me feel worthless and hopeless. I can only hope that my friends and family take a minute to think about how cancelling plans affects me and how disappointing it is to be stuck in bed instead of being out, socialising ad enjoying myself.

Thanks for the suggestion but I’m ignoring you…

Thanks for the suggestion but I’m ignoring you…

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Living with depression and anxiety for 8 years I’ve dealt with advice and suggestions from people who think they know better. You know the type I mean;

“You need to get out more”

“You just need to snap out of it and decide to be happy”

“Try and see the positives instead of the negatives”

“You need more exercise, that will make you feel better”

Since developing CFS and Fibro I’ve noticed these dreaded suggestions more and they frustrate me enormously, I don’t mind advice on how to manage my pain or deal with my fatigue but when it comes from people who have no idea what it’s like to live with my conditions, who think they know better then it offends me.

“Just go to bed earlier at night, then you won’t be so tired”

“Maybe you need to stop taking all those tablets”

“You just need to change your mindset, it’s all in your head”

“Try meditating and thinking your pain away”

It’s never ending. Recently I’ve heard a lot from people who make judgements about the medication I’m taking and say I should come off it because it’s making me worse. People who say I’m filling my body with pills and tell me I’d be better off without them. It’s frustrating because without the medication, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed. People seem to think I enjoy shoving pills down my throat, and that I enjoy all the side effects.

I don’t take medication because I want to, I’ve tried coming off it all and it wasn’t helpful. People don’t understand why I’m taking pills when it’s all in my head but my pain is not in my head; I wish it was because then I could deal with it. Instead it’s physical and I can’t just change my mindset and get rid of it, I have to manage it with medication and that medication allows me to get up and go out, it allows me to do the small things I enjoy.

But people always think they know better and I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion but I am offended when they think their opinion and judgement is more valid than my own.

Why finding the right therapist is crucial to recovery.

Why finding the right therapist is crucial to recovery.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I’ve had CBT 4 times during the past 6 years to try and help manage my depression and social anxiety. I hated it, I dreaded going, used to beg my Mum to cancel because I hate talking, especially about myself.

My first experience with CBT was like hell for me, I was virtually agoraphobic at that point and didn’t leave the house so I used to be forced out by my Mum and dragged to my therapy appointments. I learned pretty quickly that the therapist was only interested in discharging me as soon as possible. It was also like he was sticking to this strict appointment script, reading advice off of a piece of paper. He wasn’t interested in my feelings and I could tell. So I told him what he wanted to hear instead of what was actually going on with me, I faked my depression and anxiety scores so they got better and better until he decided I was fixed and discharged me. It was no surprise that my depression and anxiety was the same and the therapy hadn’t made any difference.

The next two courses of therapy were not even memorable, I was always given this timeline to recovery and if I didn’t keep to this then it was like the therapist got frustrated and annoyed with me. It made me cynical about the whole process and I was convinced that CBT was a load of rubbish. My depression was up and down and my anxiety was constant. Eventually the right medication helped me feel as if there was hope but medication doesn’t solve everything. My anxiety was still ruling my life and I agreed last year to go through another course of CBT but after the last 3 failures, my GP arranged for me to meet a particular high intensity therapist.

I went into my fourth CBT experience with an open mind, I wanted to control my anxiety but I was also worried it would be the same as my previous times. From the beginning, the therapist assured me that although on average it took between 8 and 10 sessions, if it took longer then that was alright and it was about my recovery. She also took an interest in my life and understood my anxiety wasn’t going to just disappear in a matter of weeks. She was the first therapist who was forceful in giving me homework and expecting me to carry it out. Although I didn’t like it, I needed that authority to scare me into doing the activities she wanted. It started off small with me just going on a small 10 minute walk, then it was walking to appointments on my own. The scariest homework was taking trips to the shops which I couldn’t do alone, again she went with small steps and I was allowed to take someone the first couple of times into the shop, then I had to leave them outside while I went in. Eventually I was going on my own.

It wasn’t easy and I had to want to control my anxiety. The gradual build up worked for me. I’m not cured, I still have trouble with certain places and my anxiety gets triggered easily. But I am trying not to let it control my life like before, I push myself to go to the shops even when I would rather stay in the house. Today I’m going out for a meal and although I may have to ask someone to order for me, I’m excited and not dreading it. I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away, it’s too deeply rooted in my brain but I can fight it and I can enjoy social events despite being anxious. That final therapist changed my life and it showed me that recovery is a personal thing, if your therapist isn’t connecting with you then you won’t be motivated to fight.

Why suicide shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

Why suicide shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

by SleepyBookworm94 ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I hate that suicide is ignored and not discussed more widely. I know what it is to attempt suicide and even now, I feel guilty and ashamed for writing about it. It shouldn’t be like that in this day and age.

I have suffered with depression since I was 18 and it’s been so severe at times that I have turned to suicide. I’ve attempted to kill myself around five times, my last attempt was 2 years ago. When I admit this, I feel anxious and panicky because I’m worried what others will say and think. But I feel that if suicide had been a more talked about subject, if it hadn’t been so hidden and ignored then it may have helped me when I was surrounded by hopelessness and darkness.

People say that suicide is cowardice; that people who take their lives are cowards who took the easy way out. I hate people who say that, I don’t want to glorify or make suicide seem like a good choice but suicide is the opposite of cowardice. Other people will never know how hard it is, how brave you have to be to take that final step. Humans have evolved to suicide so imagine going against all those years of evolution, going against human nature itself and trying to harm yourself.

Having experienced trying to kill myself and surviving, I can look back and re-evaluate my choices. I regret every attempt I made on my own life, I wish I could take it all back. When you have hit rock bottom, you can’t think of anything positive, you think that suicide is the only and best option but it’s not. I was selfish when I attempted to kill myself, I was so focussed on my own misery and pain that I couldn’t think about the pain I would cause by taking that final action. I hurt my family every time I made an attempt, I let them down and I took away their trust in me. Those things, I will never get back. My family and friends will all look at me when I’m feeling down and wonder if I’m going to hurt myself, the trust is gone. The only way I can get it back is by proving I won’t make that choice again, no matter how bad things get.

If people talked about suicide more, if there were more places to talk about it then I think people would see it’s not the right choice to make. Instead, it’s this taboo subject that people ignore or hide and so people feeling depressed and suicidal feel guilty and ashamed, which just adds to that feeling that taking your own life is the only way out.

Suicide is not taking the easy way out, it’s trying to make the pain stop, trying to be free of depression and the struggles that bring us down. It’s a cry for help and as fellow humans, we should acknowledge that cry and do everything we can to help that person. We shouldn’t turn a blind eye, or ignore it because it’s easier to think these things don’t happen. Suicide does happen, it’s increasing and people effected by suicide or suicidal thoughts should not be ignored or swept under the rug.