With a chronic fatigue disorder like M.E there are personal choices which are made, and they are not always understood or accepted.  I’m 28 and I’ve not passed my driving test or made any great attempt to begin driving.  I did lessons when I was 17 like most teenagers, excited about the potential freedom.  I unfortunately had to cease having lessons when I was 18 and started to experience severe social anxiety.  Then at 21, I developed M.E and I’ve never considered restarting my driving lessons.  One of the biggest criticisms I face from family and other people, is my inability to drive.  I get very frustrated by it at times because, for me it’s not an option.  It’s not that I’m being lazy or can’t be bothered, it’s not because I like being chauffeured by family and friends.  It’s because I genuinely think I’d be an unsafe driver.  You see the signs all over the motorway: “Don’t drive tired, take a break”, well, I’m permanently tired.  The very nature of my illness is overwhelming fatigue and it’s not just a feeling of tiredness but a fatigue that effects my whole body and my mental and cognitive abilities. 

The thing about M.E is, it affects everyone on different levels.  I’m sure there are people with M.E who do drive and I have no issues with it, I’m envious.  But for me, it’s not worth the chance.  There are days that fatigue fogs my mind so much; I forget to eat.  There are times my brain is so foggy that it doesn’t perceive danger like normal, I can touch a boiling hot pan or baking tray without oven gloves because I’m too fatigued to take precautions.  Fatigue puts me at risk and often leaves me feeling like an idiot, because my brain processes things so slowly and it takes so much effort at times just to remember simple things.  So, do I think I’d be safe behind the wheel of a car? Absolutely not.  More importantly, I wouldn’t just be putting myself at risk but everyone else on the road.  It’s easy for me to laugh off comments like “When are you finally going to be an adult and drive yourself around?” or “when are you finally going to pass your test and get out there”.  As the eldest child in the family, it’s often pointed out that all my younger family members have learned to drive while I just sit around putting it off.  I laugh it off and make excuses like “I can’t afford it” or “It’s just not something I’m interested in” because it’s easier than admitting to people, that I don’t feel well enough physically and mentally to drive.  It’s hard.  Most people’s judgements fall on not understanding M.E, at not understanding it as more than a simple tired feeling.  People are ignorant of the countless effects M.E has on the body, it’s not just one symptom.  M.E affects my fatigue levels, my quality of sleep, my mental and cognitive abilities, my autonomic nervous system, my immune system, my pain levels, my ability to heal efficiently, my reflexes, my senses…It’s a multisystem disease, not just being tired. 

I’ve made a choice not to drive, if my condition improves or I get to a point where my fatigue isn’t so constant and overwhelming then I would consider it.  Who wouldn’t want that freedom to go anywhere?  But I choose to sacrifice that element of life because as a responsible person, I realise that I wouldn’t be a good driver.  I accept that my illness would make me a less alert and safe driver.  M.E means making choices and accepting certain limitations.  I make a similar choice when I decide I don’t want children, despite people telling me I’m 28 and my clock is ticking!  It’s not that I don’t want these things in the future or am discarding them forever; it’s just me accepting that right now I’m not in the position to do these things.  So, I’m grateful to my parents for driving me around whenever I need it and I’m grateful to my younger sister for letting me spoil my nieces and treat them like ‘surrogate children’.  But most of all, I’m grateful for those that accept my decisions and support them, those that understand it’s not easy to make these decisions and live with these limitations.  I choose to listen to my mind and body and let it guide me in what I can and can’t do, that’s how I live with M.E, by making the most of small joys and accepting that there are sacrifices when living with a chronic illness.  But it doesn’t mean I’m not living life; I’m just living it at my own pace.