Positive body image is something a lot of people with chronic illness struggle with.  When your body is physically unwell it’s hard to feel positive about it.  With chronic illnesses like M.E, it’s easy to feel negatively about your body because physical and mental symptoms limit your life and make every day a fight.  A lot of medication given for M.E symptoms causes weight gain and an increase in appetite which doesn’t help when you can’t exercise without causing a serious relapse of symptoms and post-exertional malaise.  Then there’s the other side, where fatigue makes you unable to put effort into proper meal prep and there are days where the fatigue is so bad you just skip meals, leading to weight loss.  It’s hard to feel good about your self and your body when you deal with these things.

I’ve struggled with body image for a long time, but chronic illness has really brought it to the forefront of my mind.  My weight is a major factor in this struggle, I’ve never been slim, in my late teens I was a size 12-14 and I was always curvier than a lot of my friends.  Since developing M.E I’ve put on weight, mostly due to medication and a lack of mobility. I’ve lost weight, then put it back on again.  Since coming off medication I’ve lost a bit of weight, I’m now a size 18.  Ideally, I’d be happy at a 16 but for now my weight is stable.  Along with this, a number of other M.E symptoms affect me confidence; hyperhidrosis, loss of muscle tone, very pale and thin skin because of a lack of vitamin D etc.  I also have lipoedema in my legs.  All of this causes a lot of self-esteem issues and a very negative body image.  I find it hard to look in the mirror some days and the impact of that on my mental health is overwhelming.  It’s at a point where my family comment on not having any pictures of me because I hate having my photo taken and I avoid cameras.  I graduated last year, and I still haven’t taken a photo with my degree because I can’t stand the idea of looking at myself and being disgusted in what should be a positive and happy photo memento. 

I’ve noticed over the past couple of years this negative body image has affected the way I treat my physical body.  I lost my enjoyment of make-up, stopped using hair straighteners, stopped buying all the nice bath bombs and lotions that I love.  I’ve opted for buying bland and loose clothing which is comfortable when I’m having bad and fatigue days but doesn’t look great.  I see items of clothing I really like but avoid them because I don’t think they’ll look good on me.  It’s like, mentally, I don’t want to treat my body in a nice way because I feel so negatively about it and because my confidence is so non-existent.  It’s a very damaging experience and I’ve become concerned with the amount of influence it has over my life.  Over the past 6 months I’ve tried to bring back the little self-care acts that I’ve been ignoring, and I forgot how the simplest things can make you feel good and refreshed.  So, I thought I’d make a list of some small self-care acts which have made me feel good again.

1. Face Masks: I’m conscious of my skin and looking after it so I recently bought myself a whole pack of different peel-off face masks and I’ve just been doing one every week.  I just set half an hour aside one night before bed and apply a face mask.  It’s really helped me bring my skin back to a healthy state, it takes all the dirt out of my pores and just makes my face feel refreshed and completely clean. 
2. Bubble baths and bath bombs:  I used to be obsessed with bubble bath and bath bombs.  Every birthday and Christmas people buy me special bath bombs to add to my collection. A shower is perfect when you’re fatigued and just want a quick wash.  A bubble bath is perfect for moments when you just want to de-stress though, when you just want to pamper your self and take some time out for yourself.  So, if you are lucky enough to have a bathtub, it’s worth buying some bath bombs and some bath oil, and just setting aside that time to just focus on yourself and relaxation.
3. Buy some new make-up to try: I really miss the days where I’d spend hours picking out make-up and applying it before going out.  I’m lucky enough to have a sister who does Avon and I’m always buying new makeup and then putting it in a drawer to never be used or seen again!  But when I do wear makeup, I just feel so much more myself and there is a boost of confidence that comes from changing the way you look.  Covering up all that tired skin and dark circles under the eyes.  It makes me feel a lot more like a woman and it just makes me more confidence in facing people, almost like armour. 
4. Nail Polish: I’m so jealous of any person who can grow their nails to a good length.  My anxiety makes me an obsessive nail biter.  My nails are always down to the skin and frayed.  But I love nail polish.  I have a completely crazy amount of nail polish colours and they just make me happy.  When I’m having a bad day, just painting my nails a fun colour makes me happy.  I might have extremely short nails, but it doesn’t stop me painting them crazy colours, even if no one else sees them.  I do it for me, to boost my own mood and have that moment where I’m just focussing on myself and a part of my body which I can make look pretty.
5. Take time off from technology:  When I’m stuck in bed, I have a tendency to just swipe through social media and the internet.  It’s not always a good thing, I’ll see friends updating their photos and social media, out having fun, having wild nights out and getting lunch with friends. Meanwhile I’m too unwell to get out of bed and have a wash, it just crushes my mood when I’m already physically not feeling great.  So, I think a simple self-care act you can take is just ignoring your phone, iPad or computer for a set period of time.  Just switch of social media and the internet for an hour or longer.
6. Get a haircut:  I went 2 years without getting my hair cut once.  As a woman with thick, wavy hair, it was a nightmare.  I was just not physically well enough to go out and get my hair done like normal people, sitting for a long period of time was painful and I suffer with very painful skin (allodynia) so the brushing, drying and straightening really hurt my scalp.  So, I just avoided getting it cut. In the end my Mum asked a mobile hairdresser to come to the house and I’ve been having it done ever since.  It’s a great feeling just getting your hair cut, I don’t have anything fancy done, just a trim and thin out but I always feels so much better after.  Mobile hairdressers are great for people with chronic illness because they allow you to have your hair cut at home, where you are comfortable.  It involves a lot less energy and I’m not fatigued by it like I was when I had to go out and interact with people in a salon.  
7. Get outside: Fresh air doesn’t fix everything but it does boost your mood. M.E leaves a lot of people housebound, I spend the majority of my days at home. But just getting outside for 10-20 minutes and sitting in the garden or taking a 10 minute walk round my village makes me feel much less stagnant. Nature is free and people don’t pay attention to it enough or the ways it can improve mood and impact on people living with mental or chronic illness.

These are just a few things I do to make myself feel good and more positive about myself. The main thing about self-care is remembering to do it for you.  At first, I felt silly doing my nails and putting on make-up just to wander around the house where no one could see, it felt pointless.  Self-care isn’t about pleasing other people, it’s sad that a lot of people feel like they must look or be a certain way, just to please other people.  Do things because they make you feel good and because you care about your body, however broken and dysfunctional it may feel it times.