Brain fog is one of my most frustrating symptoms with M.E. I hate the feeling of not being able to think clearly, forgetting words, trying to remember facts or recall something. People can talk to me and I just don’t take any of it in, sometimes I don’t even register that someone is talking to me. Some days I notice it a couple of times and other days; it’s there every time I try and think or focus on anything. It is something badly affected by my fatigue, when I’m exhausted or having a low energy day then it is almost a constant presence.

It’s called brain fog because people describe it as being stuck in a fog and unable to see or think clearly. I agree with this comparison but I describe it differently. When I try to recall something or focus on a particular thing; it’s like my brain becomes filled with cotton wool and I have to fight through it all to find what I’m looking for. It’s something that exhausts me. Over the last 3 years I’ve been studying for a degree and it’s really highlighted the issue. I never realised how badly my cognitive abilities had declined, I was always a very enthusiastic learner, I enjoyed school and learning new things and I was good at recalling information. I could memorise essays and lists of questions. My experience of studying after I developed M.E has completely changed. I would read a paragraph and then realise that I’d just read it without taking any of it in, I couldn’t absorb information as quickly and my focus was limited. Some days I could read a question and answer it in detail, recalling information I’d learnt; other days I couldn’t put words into a sentence or make any sense of what the question was asking. One of the worst parts for me was the word recall, I studied Language and Literature because I love words, I think the written word has the power to change so much, to improve and inspire. But I found myself unable to recall the meaning to words, I’d be given a definition to a word I knew, but for some reason I couldn’t recall a word that I knew was in my head. It’s like constantly having an answer on the tip of your tongue, I knew that I knew something but in that moment; my brain was completely blank. It’s quite a scary experience, and one that chips away at your confidence.

I managed to complete my degree and get a 2:1 but it wasn’t easy and there were days where I just had to admit my brain wasn’t working. It was a matter of making the most of my good days to study and breaking revision into smaller parts. I had to repeatedly rewrite information to take it in and to write essays, I had to have a detailed plan to remind me of how I was answering a question. I was very surprised to see how much my study pace had changed since before I had M.E; it was slow and steady with frequent breaks and whole weeks where study was just not possible. There were days I honestly thought about giving in and quitting because I felt like an idiot, I felt like I wasn’t smart enough. My own stubbornness kept me going and eventually I accomplished my goal, despite the challenges. The most important thing I learned studying; was not to be so hard on myself. Yes, I took longer and sometimes fell behind but it’s okay to learn at a slower pace. My intelligence didn’t just disappear, it was just fighting through lots of cotton wool!