Whenever October hits I always feel this internal panic; “there’s only a few more months of the year left and what have I accomplished this year?”.  I feel this more intensely since developing M.E because it can feel like my achievements don’t really to compare to others.  I watch friends find new jobs, get promoted, enter new relationships and I watch my family members succeed at work, bring children into the world, save hard-earned money and go on holidays.  In comparison, my life doesn’t feel very exciting or fulfilling. 

It’s hard to explain how chronic illness turns very normal, regular things into achievements.  I watched someone run a marathon last week, a huge achievement.  Where as, my achievement was getting out of the house for an hour.  It sounds pathetic to me and I struggle with comparing myself to others, more so after chronic illness.  It’s because the amount of effort I put into things has changed, my focus has altered.  Things that I did with no thought before, are achievements to me now.  Some days, my achievements simply consist of taking a shower or hoovering my bedroom; tasks that seem menial to everyone else. It’s never more obvious how small my achievements are compared to others, than when I proudly announce: “I managed to change my bed sheets and wash my hair today!” and people just look at me like I’m crazy.  Because, to a healthy person those acts are simple, they’re routine, they don’t involve much effort. 

At family events, I dread the catch-up.  Hearing about how all my family members are actively out there achieving things; learning to drive, buying new cars, entering a new career, finding love.  Inevitably the questions eventually focus on me and what I’ve been doing with my life…and I always wish the ground would swallow me up, because my accomplishments seem non-existent.  I’m left sitting there, feeling less of a person.  In truth, I know that I should be able to say: “Well, I’ve been fighting chronic illness and managing all my symptoms so that I can function semi-normally”; I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone else and I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions of me make me feel like a lazy and worthless person.  But it’s hard to do that with chronic illness, because there’s so much negative stigma surrounding it.  I  don’t currently work so people think I’m lazy and have no ambition, I haven’t learned to drive so people think I don’t want my independence, I don’t attend a lot of social events so people think I’m rude and selfish, I might have to cancel appointments because I’m too unwell to attend, so people assume I’m unreliable.  So it’s hard to not compare myself to other people because I constantly question my own worth. 

It’s ironic because if someone with a chronic illness complained about similar struggles, I’d tell them that they shouldn’t compare themselves to someone healthy because it’s not fair.  Chronic illness isn’t fair.  I’d tell them that; just living and managing life with chronic illness is an achievement.  It’s easy to give up, stop fighting, admit defeat; but I’ve found that people managing a chronic illness are the most determined and some of the strongest people I’ve ever met.  I just wish I could take my own advice!

Should it matter how big an achievement is? Or is it the act of achieving something, however small, that matters? When the year starts to come to an end and everyone’s discussing their achievements and aspirations for a new year, why shouldn’t getting through another year with chronic illness be enough of an achievement.  Why shouldn’t people with a chronic illness express their personal achievements and feel proud of themselves? 

Chronic illness can take a lot from a person but I don’t think it should ever take our sense of worth.  Every life has worth.  Maybe my achievements aren’t as awe inspiring as others, maybe they aren’t as major; but they are my achievements and it’s those small achievements that motivate my fight against chronic illness.  So I’m going to list a few of my achievements so far this year, no matter how small they may seem to other people or myself at times.  Feel free to share any of your achievements this year, even if it’s just getting out of bed or taking a shower; because those achievements mean you’re still alive and living life, despite the limits chronic illness may place on you.

This years achievements so far:

• I came off the anti-depressants I’ve been taking for 10 years.
• I went on a day trip with my Mum.
• I managed to find time to write posts for my blog.
• I lost 2 stone in weight.
• I’ve managed to read over 100 books.

Remember, be kind to yourself.