Very often, I’m encouraged and pushed to go out to social places by my family and friends. These social places trigger my anxiety and as a result, I become an irritable, snappy, moody individual who takes it out on her family/friends.
Going shopping is something most women love to do but I hate it, I’m an online shopper all the way. But occasionally I go out with family to shopping centres and spend some time shopping. It should be enjoyable and rewarding but it’s a nightmare for both me and whoever accompanies me because my anxiety makes me crazy. My anxiety gets triggered by the unfamiliar place and unfamiliar people and I attempt to soothe myself however I can, and my family try to make it easier and less stressful for me which I am grateful for. But after an hour, I can’t control my anxiety anymore and I want to go home so my personality withdraws, I become quiet and fidgety. I begin to try and rush my family through things and then I begin to get irritated with them. I love my family and I would never take my mood out on them normally but my anxiety overrules that part of my personality and I suddenly find everyone around me, irritating!
I see my family enjoying being out and it annoys me because I want to enjoy it but my anxiety is taking over and I just want to go home so I start to snap at my family for small things, I get moody and refuse to get involved in conversation. I say horrible things and become like a moody teenager who hasn’t got their way.
That person is not who I am, I hate that version of me but in that situation, my anxiety rules and somewhere in my twisted brain, I believe that being snappy and difficult will get me out of the situation faster. In that situation, everything irritates me and I’m annoyed and scared so I turn into a bitch.
My family are used to this version of me by now and they know it’s a sign that I’m reaching my limit and need to get out of the situation but I feel bad for them because they take my snapping and moody comments without judgement and they change their own plans to accommodate me. I take my anxiety out on my family and they just try to help. Irritability is one of the main symptoms I feel when I’m anxious, it’s an overwhelming feeling and it makes me a horrible person to be around. I wish I could control it better and keep it inside so no one else has to deal with it but in that bubble of anxiety, it controls me.
Just another symptom of anxiety that makes my social life hell!