“You look well!”
“You look so much better”
“Well, you don’t look like you’re in pain”
I’ve heard all of these things several times. It always shocks me how well I can hide my illness. Invisible illnesses are hard enough, when people are constantly assuming you are healthy and well, when really you feel like hell. When I tell people I have a chronic pain condition, they always look in disbelief because all they see is a 25 year old, young, curvy woman who doesn’t look like she’s in pain. I sometimes wish my pain was physically visible so people could see just how debilitating it is.
The acting comes into practice when I’m in public, or when I’m in front of distant family and friends. I feel like acting healthy is easier than showing what I really feel because my illness is invisible and people judge and doubt when I’m honest, so instead I put on this act. I smile and act polite, I put make-up on to hide how pale and washed out I look. When I’m in pain, I grit my teeth and hold out for as long as I can.
Whenever I see distant family, they always say how much better I look or how much happier I seem and it’s both nice and disappointing. It’s nice because they are happy if they think I’m feeling good and it’s disappointing because I wish they could see through the act to what I am really feeling. I wish they could see the fatigue behind all the make-up and the pain behind my smiles. It’s just easier to pretend I’m doing better and recovering than admit I’m struggling and really wish I was back in bed.
I used to be a terrible liar, I’m an honest and genuine person so it’s baffling to think I’ve grown so good at acting healthy and like I’m recovering. I think people see what they want to see, they don’t want to believe I’m in pain and exhausted so they believe the act I put on.
People I meet who find out I have a chronic illness, prefer to just judge and doubt my illness because they don’t believe what they can’t physically see. It’s frustrating because people believe in things they can’t see all the time, they believe in love and happiness but when it comes to illness they can’t see, all they feel is doubt and suspicion.